Life

Baby Elias

moremarsh2 Comments

This is not the pregnancy announcement I had imagined.

I was 12 weeks pregnant and began experiencing complications that were unknown. I called the OB after hours line and they told me to come in the office first thing the next day. The nurses on the line didn’t seem overly concerned so Tyler decided to go to work the next day and my friend, Lindsay, would come with me to my appointment.

I had heard a lot of other women’s stories by the time I went in around noon — stories of women experiencing the same complications I was and their babies were fine. I was still concerned (I mean, I think every first time pregnant mom is concerned about everything) but I also had this odd peace that it really was going to be ok.

And it was! The nurse told me it was likely a blood clot behind the placenta and that was totally normal. It happens to 1 in 10 women and it will go away on it’s own in a few days. They did an ultrasound, found the baby and the heartbeat, and I got to see our baby wiggling and jumping and moving in me! And my best friend got to see the baby too! It was honestly so special for her to be there for this moment, and I was so relieved that the baby was safe. I immediately texted Tyler to tell him that everything was good and sent him the photo below (which would end up being the last photo of our baby).

The next day I would head back to the OB for my regular 12 week appointment. They were going to check on a few more things and run all of the normal 12 week blood tests. But I continued to experience the same complications through the night, and some of my symptoms began to change. All I had to go on was that the nurses said our baby was ok, so I was trusting that was still true. There was no way for me to know what was about to happen.

Tyler and I met at the OB office after his school day for our 12 week appointment. We spent time talking about the day and how I finally felt like I had some normal energy back…I even did 3 loads of laundry! We made plans for a date night after our appointment and planned on sharing our exciting news more broadly over the weekend.

Then we were called back to the ultrasound room. I was excited to see our baby again and for Tyler to get to see the baby wiggling and moving around like I had the day before. The nurse was having a hard time finding the baby so she switched to the vaginal ultrasound. We could see the screen the whole time. It looked different than the times before, but I wasn’t a nurse so I had no idea what type of images I was even looking at.

After about 2 minutes of the nurse looking and taking a few pictures and zooming in, she looked at us and said the most horrible and devastating words I have ever heard, “I’m so sorry. There is not a heartbeat.”

In that moment, my whole heart shattered into pieces. My body didn’t know what to do other than to cry and scream and mourn and ask “How did this happen? The baby was fine yesterday.” And then I cried more and more and more. Tyler was a rock in this moment and I can’t imagine being in that room without him. He just held me as I continued to ask “Why God? Why?” The nurse left us with a box of tissues and went to get the doctor so she could talk with us more.

It really didn’t feel like real life. There were moments when I was pregnant and had a hard time believing there really was a baby in me, but then I would feel nauseous or tired and know exactly why I felt that way. And if that wasn’t enough, we had a pregnancy test and ultrasounds to remind me that I was pregnant. But this was a whole new feeling, a feeling that I have never felt before and one that I hope no one ever has to experience. Going from extreme joy of becoming parents in November to extreme sorrow over never having met our child is a grief that I truly cannot explain.

The doctor came in, confirmed that not only was there no heartbeat but the water around the baby was gone. I still don’t know exactly when or how that happened. We walked to another room and the doctor let us process for another 15 minutes or so alone. All I could think of was how we were going to have to tell our sweet family about their grandchild, nephew, and cousin. That felt like the hardest thing I would ever do in my life.

And yet, in our darkest moment ever, the Lord was present. My first reaction was to cry and scream, but my first thought was “God gives and takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.” The Lord had given us this child. We had called this child a little miracle from the moment we found out. And the Lord was the only one who could have saved our child. There was nothing I could have done. And there was nothing the doctors could have done, even if it would have happened while I was there the day before. They don’t know why this happened, and honestly know very little about why miscarriages happen in general. They just know miscarriages happen, even at 12 weeks. Our doctor reminded me that likely this would have been a very unhealthy pregnancy and so it is good that this happened when it did. That doesn’t make it easier, but that is likely true and I am so glad that our baby never had to experience the pain on this earth that we are having to experience now.

I was never angry with God. Neither was Tyler. I was so proud of us in that moment that neither of us were instantly against God or frustrated with Him for taking our baby. Instead, we both experienced this deep deep trust. We knew that God was in control. We knew that God knew what was best. We knew that God loved us. We knew God was not surprised by this event. From the moment of conception, He knew this would be our story and our baby’s story. And He allowed it to happen.

Consider it a great joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you experience various trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. — James 1:2-4 (CSB)

An Aside: I often experience the Lord in visions and pictures. A few months back (before we were pregnant) I was given an image of me and Tyler with Jesus. We were walking through a field, headed towards the mountains, but it was raining. And there was this feeling that it would be raining for a while. If you have ever been camping or hiking in the rain, you know that it really is a drag to be out there in the rain. It is tougher than it seems because there is just no shelter in the wilderness from the rain. A month or so after this vision, we got pregnant! I thought that maybe for the first time this image was wrong. It didn’t feel like rain, it felt like warmth and light and joy! There was new life coming to our family! In reality, God was preparing us for this from the very beginning. And I really can’t explain it other than God. This image doesn’t make the pain go away or the grief any easier, but it does help me remember that God is always and has always and will always be with us… through every single storm.

The doctor scheduled me for a D&C surgery on Monday (it was Friday). That felt like a long time away, but it was the soonest they could get me in with their surgery team. We spent another few minutes in that room, praying and crying out to God. We knew that He was our only refuge, our only hope, and that our baby was already with Him in heaven. Our baby was safe with Jesus.

I texted my two best friends on the drive home and told them the news. They came over immediately with flowers and hugs and prayers. They were in shock as we were but they were ready to help us. The thing I dreaded was telling everyone the news. I made a list of people who knew I was pregnant on my phone and asked if they could start sharing with these people so we could call our families. Those were the hardest calls we have ever had to make. Telling your parents that their grandchild is with Jesus is something that I hope I never have to do again.

We were immediately surrounded with texts and prayers and visitors and food. It really was overwhelming the amount of love and care we felt that day… and honestly every day since. Our friends set up a meal train for us so we could have space to grieve and process and pray and cry and rest. And people started showing up at our home to give us a hug or drop off a gift.

The next few days were just as hard. Going to sleep and waking up each morning to the same reality is tough. I wanted to wake up and for this to all be a dream, but it wasn’t. Tears continued to flow throughout the day as more people learned of our loss. I wasn’t experiencing the same level of complications but they were still happening. I made it through Saturday and then on Sunday morning at 12:30am I began cramping again and immediately knew we had to go to the ER.

Once they started an IV and pain meds, things got better on my end. I was able to relax a little knowing that the doctors and nurses were there to help me. The nurses were some of the most kind and compassionate people I think I have ever met. Many of them were sympathetic towards us saying things like, “I’m so sorry you are experiencing this” or “I have been through this too, and I am so sorry.” They were helpful and kind, and it was truly a gift from the Lord.

I was rolled into an ultrasound room so they could see more of what was going on. Again, the nurse was incredible — so kind and helpful and patient with me. She spent a while doing another ultrasound and taking a lot of pictures. I went back to my room and soon the nurses came in to tell me that they hadn’t found any signs of the baby in me. All they could find was tissue from the placenta.

I would be asked about 5 times from this moment on if I had seen the baby or felt the baby come out of me in the previous days. This was honestly my worst nightmare — I didn’t want to see our baby. And although there was one moment on Saturday when it could have been the baby, I still don’t believe what I felt was big enough for a 12 week pregnancy. Because of this, we are choosing to believe that God did a miracle in me. I believe that God took our baby out of me miraculously because He knew that I couldn’t handle more trauma. This is hard to swallow because it means we can’t do chromosome testing to understand what happened and we won’t ever know what gender our baby was. But I still believe it was better this way and that God was saving me from even more heartache.

The night before, I had told Tyler that I thought of a few other names to consider. We had names picked out for our baby already, but now we wanted a special name. We had a girl name picked but honestly, it just didn’t feel quite right. I had decided to start writing down boys names on Saturday night and shared those with Tyler. When we learned that the baby was already gone, we knew the name would be Elias which means “my God is Yahweh.” In the ER we would name our baby in hopes that his story would bring more people (maybe even just one person) to know that there is one true God and His name is Yahweh.

An Aside: Yahweh is the name of God that is first mentioned in Exodus. It’s the name the Israelites would use for God as they experienced incredible amounts of pain, loss, trials, and wilderness. Yahweh is the name of God that reminds us that God always has been and always will be — He is the God who is, and was, and is forever! THIS is the God we trust in. THIS is the God who holds our baby. THIS is the God who was holding us.

When the surgeon arrived around 5am, he was also so incredibly kind and helpful. He explained what was going to happen and how the nurses had already done a lot of his work. (They had done some pre D&C work while I was awake in the ER, which was it’s own kind of pain but again, the nurses never left my side and neither did my husband.) My body had done a lot of the work on it’s own so my D&C was going to be quick and easy since he was simply going to clear out the remaining placenta tissue.

This was the first major surgery I would have with full anesthesia. I was nervous but also ready to be past this part of our story. The surgery was quick and then I was awake again a few hours later. The first thing the nurse said to me was, “Are you a runner?” She had been watching my resting heart rate and noticing it was really low… the immediate tell of an endurance athlete right there. haha! But it was nice to talk about something I loved for a few minutes as I continued to wake up. Soon Tyler would be with me and we would head home.

My physical recovery has been really simple and easy. I’m back to running (very slowly and low miles…don’t worry mom) and have felt good. The emotional recovery is what is going to take a long time for me. There are moments when I feel like I can make it through anything and moments when I feel so fragile. I have a feeling this is going to be a norm for me for a while as I ride the waves of grief.

Through it all, it has helped me to talk about my experience and our baby Elias. It helps me to have times of grieving with others and times alone to process. It helps me to share what has happened and to hear other people’s stories. The more I have shared, the more women have told me, “I’m so sorry…. me too.” And each time I hear that, my heart breaks for them. This is a new level of pain that I have never experienced and knowing that so many friends have experienced this too is simply heartbreaking. This is not how it’s supposed to be. Death is not a friend. All of them have healthy children now, which is encouraging to me. And yet, I fear that this may not be our story. Since we cannot do any testing on our baby, we don’t know what happened and we can’t really know if this will happen again.

If you see us or think of us in the coming days, weeks, months… even years… here is our prayer request: Pray that we would grieve the loss of Elias, but not without hope. Pray that we would be able to have a healthy baby in the future. Pray that we would not be afraid of the unknown but rather would trust God with the unknown. And pray that Elias’ story would bring even just one person to saving faith in Jesus.

If you have made it this far, thank you for reading our story. And to our incredible friends and family — both near and far — thank you. You have been a safe place for us, an encouragement in the darkest days, and a steady presence in the waves of grief. There are not enough words to express our gratitude.

One Last Note: Our baby Elias is safe with Jesus now. We have full confidence that he is in heaven with Jesus right now and one day, we will get to meet our boy. We have gratitude that our Elias didn’t experience the pains of this world as we have. And we have hope that one day, Jesus will return, making all things new. He will wipe away every tear from our faces because death will be no more. Death is an enemy. And yet, we do not grieve and mourn and cry without hope. Our hope is secure in our Savior — who experienced pain and death on our behalf so that one day we can experience the fullness of joy with Him!

Matthew 19:14 has been our verse in these days as we have been reminded that the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to the children. The Kingdom of Heaven belongs to children like Elias.

Jesus said, “Leave the little children alone, and don’t try to keep them from coming to me, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” — Matthew 19:14 (CSB)

We will always miss our baby. Grief will hit at random times and I will choose to ride the waves as they come. We know our family and friends will miss our baby too. But we will always be the parents of Elias, and a little family of three. In every moment, we choose to continue to proclaim the name of the Lord… Yahweh is our God.

These are the verses I have clung to the most tightly. I pray they might encourage you if you have experienced the loss of a child, or that you might use these to encourage a friend who goes through this experience.

  • Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near the brokenhearted; he saves those crushed in spirit.
  • Revelation 21:4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; grief, crying, and pain will be no more, because the previous things have passed away.
  • Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble.
  • Psalm 48:14 This God, our God forever and ever —he will always lead us.
  • Psalm 119:28 I am weary from grief; strengthen me through your word.
  • Isaiah 26:3-4 You will keep the mind that is dependent on you in perfect peace, for it is trusting in you. Trust in the Lord forever, because in the Lord, the Lord himself, is an everlasting rock!
  • Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.
  • Job 1:21b The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
  • Isaiah 25:8a When he has swallowed up death once and for all, the Lord God will wipe away the tears from every face.
  • Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, “Leave the little children alone, and don’t try to keep them from coming to me, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

A liturgy for those who have experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth. This is one of the most beautiful things I have read in our dark days, and it has been a helpful way to put our feelings into words. Here is the link.

We will always love you, Elias.

Mountains & Valleys

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People often talk about the “mountain top experience” as the epitome of life. Its the best experience you could have! I think everyone will have a handful of these types of experiences where something incredible happens and completely changes your life.

But the reality is that most of our lives are actually spent in the valleys, in the mundane, in the everyday Tuesdays. And I think there is just as much beauty in the valley as there is on the mountain. Sure, the mountain gives you a new perspective, but you have to go through the valley in order to get to the mountain.

This summer, we backpacked in some of the most beautiful places in Colorado. As we hiked and hiked …and hiked… I contemplated this concept of mountains and valleys. Each time we got to a peak, I looked out and saw the valley we had trudged through. We had sometimes spent hours walking through these valleys that seemed to never end. Valleys that were often filled with a chilly wind that was relentless, or bugs that stuck to our faces and necks and arms without letting go, or rocks and uneven ground that was tedious, treacherous, and tough. But from up here, on the top of the world, on the mountain peak… the valley looked beautiful. It was wonderful and magnificent and perfect. We could see the green trees, lakes, and rivers and that was simply stunning! Sitting up here on the mountain, it seemed easy to forget the effort and endlessness of the valley which we had just traversed for a good portion of the day. We had made it to the summit!

And as we sat on the summit peak, I realized that sometimes you need to climb up the mountain just to see the beauty of where you were and how hard you worked. The view of the valley from the mountain top is what makes the mountain top experience so great. It’s understanding what it took to get out of the valley and up the mountain. That’s where the real beauty is.

The summit is never really the goal. (And I love myself a good summit!!) But the summit isn’t the end, in fact, the summit is typically only the halfway point. And each summit I reach there is a valley below that calls out and says, “Look how hard you worked to get here and look where you are now.”

The mountain top experience is about the person you are becoming as you climb. And for me, this is becoming a person who doesn’t give up, a person who knows that it will be hard and yet it will be worth it, a person who wants to learn how to be present even in the hardship and pain, a person who continues to lean on and trust the Lord even in the hardships of the valleys of life.

Last year held some difficult things for me, and in the moment they didn’t look beautiful. In the moment they seemed hard, and ugly, and painful. But as I catch my breath, as I continue to work at mental health, as I climb out of anxiety and depression… I can begin to see the beauty of the valley. And I can see where I was and the long hard road it took to get to where I am now. And I can see how God never left me alone in the valley, but rather continued to give me grace and rest each step of the way.

The Bible talks about the Christian life as being transformed one degree at a time. One degree is not a lot, but once you start to add these degrees up, it is much easier to see where you were! One step at a time. One degree at a time. That is the type of healing and the type of life that God has for us. Yes, he works in the big moments as well, but more often, he is simply with us in the everyday, long, and hard valleys of life.

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

2 Corinthians 3:18

There is beauty in growth. There is beauty in hardship. There is beauty in seemingly endless seasons of anxiety. But sometimes, you have to keep taking one step at a time to get to a place where you are awarded with some perspective. Others might not see how hard you have worked or the valleys you have trudged through, but you have made it, dear friend. And the journey is not over at the summit. In fact, it is just getting started!

On Hope.

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Hope. We all hope for things in life. Some hopes come true while others do not. Often, when we use the word “hope” we mean the feeling of an expectation in life or the desire for a specific thing to happen. We use the word “hope” more like wishful thinking… hoping, wanting, desiring, wishing for all our dreams to come true. But the thing about hope on earth is that it’s never promised and never certain. Hope that is not fulfilled leaves you hurting, hopeless, and heartbroken.

Recently I experienced the loss of hope. Specifically, I had hope for a relationship to flourish. Instead, it felt like it was ripped from my hands out of no where. I was left confused, sad, and broken. Hope that is not fulfilled is one of the worst feelings in this life, and in its wake are broken hearts, sloppy tears, and sleepless nights.

And yet, as I sat and contemplated this loss of hope, I was reminded of a hope that is certain, unfailing, and sure. In this life, we have one hope that will never leave us unfulfilled, hurt, or abandoned. This is the hope of Christ’s return! 

“Our hope isn’t that nothing bad will ever happen to us. Or that everything that does happen to us is ‘the will of God.’ Our hope is that no matter what happens to us, Jesus is back from the dead, and anything is possible.”

John Mark Comer

The hope of Jesus coming back is something that is certain. It is sure. It will happen. It’s a hope that we can go to the bank on. We can bet all the chips. We can go all in. And this hope is good. 

We can be certain of this hope because of the person this hope is based on. This is a hope that is based on the one and only creator God. He is a promise-keeping God. His character proves that He will keep his word. He has never once left us unfulfilled or abandoned. He has never failed us and he never will. And because of who He is, we can trust that His promises are steady, certain, sure, and true. 

“To the Scripture writers, hope is the absolute expectation of coming good based on the character of God.”

John Mark Comer

And in this hope, we rejoice! We rejoice because in this world we will experience pain, loss, suffering, tears, and hurt. We will break promises and promises given to us will be broken. We will experience hope unfulfilled. We will be left wondering if God truly has our best interests in mind or if He even cares.

And friend, I can tell you… He does. He is good. In fact, all he can be is good. It doesn’t always feel like he is, but history and his word tell us what is true. Our God keeps his promises to the very end. And we demonstrate our trust in the promises of God when we put all our faith in this good God. He is faithful to the very end, and our faith is what holds this hope secure.

So go all in on him. He is for you. And in him, your hope is secure. 

Don’t lose hope because someday HE IS COMING! Our King is on the move. 

“Now faith is the reality of what is hoped for, the proof of what is not seen.”

Hebrews 11:1

“Now may the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace as you believe so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Romans 15:13

“Rejoice in HOPE; be patient in affliction; be persistent in prayer.”

Romans 12:12

The Book of Job

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The book of Job has been really intriguing to me recently. If you haven’t read this book before, or haven’t read it in a long time, here’s a quick summary. Job is a righteous man. He knows and loves God, and God actually says that he is “blameless and upright.” Job also has a lot of wealth. He has sheep, camels, oxen, donkeys, servants, houses, and children. It seems like Job has it all! From here, we see Satan and God engage in a conversation, where God allows Satan to essentially curse Job. Job begins to lose everything… his animals, his houses, and even his children. Job’s health is also attacked and yet, in it all, he does not curse God. Several of Job’s friends speak into his suffering, trying to explain why this suffering is taking place. And for the most part, they believe he is suffering because of a sin he has committed. (There is a lot of dialogue here in the middle, and it’s important, but I will let you go read these interactions on your own.) Eventually, Job and God have a conversation where God reminds Job that he is not God. God affirms his own wisdom, justice, and sovereignty. And at the end of the book, God gives Job more than he started with!

As I have studied this book, a few things have stood out. First, as the reader, we know that Job has done nothing wrong or sinful to deserve what is happening to him, yet even at the end of the book, God does not explain to Job exactly why all of this suffering has happened. This reminds me that I won’t always know everything that God is doing or why certain things are happening or are not happening. And God does not owe me an explanation. Job is a really good example of living with integrity and faith. Job is tempted many times to curse God and yet, he continued to trust God and do what is right, even in the midst of the greatest suffering he has ever experienced!

Second, the book is not really trying to show that Job was righteous, we know that already. Instead, the book is pointing to the way to deal with suffering and how to hold suffering in line with a good, righteous, just, and wise God.

God’s wisdom is beyond any human wisdom. Therefore, we can trust that God is the one who does exactly what is right, in the right way, at the right time, to the right extent…always. This is what it means for God to be wise and to act in wisdom. And with this wisdom, God also acts with perfect justice. It is only because God is fully wise that he can act in perfect justice. “His justice must be deduced from his wisdom.” (Hill & Walton) We cannot fully understand God’s justice because we cannot fully understand his wisdom. God’s wisdom and justice go hand-in-hand.

God’s justice is vindicated, not by identifying a “legitamate” cause for suffering, but by demonstrating his great wisdom.

A Survey of the Old Testament by Hill & Walton

So if you are suffering, I pray that the story of Job would encourage you. We will not always know the cause of our suffering, but we can trust in a fully wise and sovereign God. God knows your pain, your hurts, your sufferings, your longings, your disappointments, your unmet desires, your heartbreak, your loss. God knows it all because he is fully wise and all-knowing. And in the midst of all of this hurt, God is still working. We may never know why certain things happen or don’t happen, and God doesn’t owe us any kind of explanation for any of it. But, I find comfort and rest in the fact that we have a God who knows us fully and loves us completely. And he does what is best, every time. I pray you can find that comfort too.

Citation: A Survey of the Old Testament by Andrew Hill & John H. Walton. Zondervan 2009.

The Pool.

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After this there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades. In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed. One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?” The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.” Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked. Now that day was the Sabbath.

John 5:1-9 (ESV)

This story get me every time. Let’s just recap this story and try to imagine what this would have been like. The man Jesus went to go see had been there for 38 years and had put all of his hope in getting into the water to be healed. Jesus saw him and he knew he had been there for a long time, and then asks the man, “Do you want to be healed?”

I can imagine the man thinking, “Well yeah! That’s why I’m here! Obviously, I want to be healed!” I’ve always thought that was a strange question for Jesus to ask a man who lived by healing waters in simple hopes that he would one day be the first in the pool to be healed. This was his reality for the majority of his life.

Anyways, the man explained his situation to Jesus in hopes that he will stay around and carry him in. He was essentially saying, “Will you carry me into the water?” The man misunderstood what Jesus was offering him. And I can imagine Jesus simply shaking his head, “no” and looking at the man with kind and compassionate eyes.

Jesus doesn’t look at the man and ask him if he wants help getting into the water. He doesn’t come to him and tell him he will carry him into the waters. He doesn’t even ask him if he knows that he is Jesus, the Messiah. Jesus is simply not in the business of helping us get things our way.

That is where I break in the story every time.

All this man wanted was to be put into the water so he could be healed. He did want to be healed but he had a limited understanding of healing, believing the only way he could be healed was through this water.

Yet Jesus said no because he had something better in mind. He knew that the waters would not truly heal this man. Jesus knew true healing would only come through him.

So he kindly spoke to the man. And instead of responding to him with “Well, I will take you to the waters” or “My disciples here will carry you to the waters” he says, “Get up, take your bed, and walk!” Jesus healed this man because He is God!

This man is told to get up, something he has never done, and to take his bed and walk. This is an indication that he is not to return to this life, he is not to return to this place to sleep. He has been healed and everything has changed!

And this is how we should be when we trust in Jesus. Everything should change. We are a new person. We have a new purpose. And we have a new hope. The man didn’t even know Jesus’ name and yet he was healed by him. 

God is kind to not give us everything we want. And he is kind to give us the things we want in ways we don’t expect. This is hard to admit though because I often feel like it is not kind when he withholds things from me or has another plan. I believe that my plans are the best and struggle to trust God in the unknowns. Yet, this simple story reminded me that sometimes God withholds things from us that seem good to us because he has something better in mind. In this story, I see Jesus withholding healing the way the man imagined being healed in order to show this man who he truly was. This was far better for the man and it is far better for us as well.

So today, I encourage you to run to Jesus with all of your trust and hope. He may not give you what you want, or he may give you what you want in another way, but we can trust that he is a good and faithful God through it all. Only in Jesus is true healing found.

Never Forget

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I was in third grade when 9/11 happened. It’s a day I will never forget and I pray our nation never forgets it either.

I don’t remember everything, I was only 8, but here’s what I do remember. I remember getting ready to go to school, like any average third grade kid…brushing the knots out of my hair, eating a bowl of cereal, and packing up my backpack. I remember that my mom typically had the news station turned on and that day was no different. I remember my mom telling me and my brother that something bad had just happened in our country. I don’t remember when I first saw the footage of the planes, maybe it was at home or maybe it was at school, but either way, I remember watching the plane crash into the first twin tower and thinking, “How could this happen!” I remember that many of my classmates didn’t come into school that day, and it had been a conversation with my mom about if we should go or not. (Living in mountain time meant everything with the attack took place primarily before school began that day.) I remember going to school and sitting in class, as our teachers watched the news with teary eyes and a classroom of kids who were simply trying to make sense of the havoc that was happening. I remember the devastation of watching the second tower get hit. I remember the sadness, heartache, and disbelief I felt as I watch the tower fall, knowing there were lives in that building that could not be saved. (That memory is the one that always gets me right in the gut.) I remember thinking that day: “How could a good God let this happen?” and “What kind of people would fly airplanes into buildings?” and “Am I safe?” and “Will those people live who were in the buildings or the planes?” I remember hearing stories for weeks, and even years, after about heroic efforts to save lives. I remember seeing the bumper stickers with the American flag saying “God Bless America” for years after this day. I remember praying to God for the safety of our nation as our world changed in a single day.

I don’t know if many people think about the impact 9/11 had on the elementary kids of 2001, but that is a day I will never forget. It’s a day I won’t forget, not just because of the tragic events of the day, the thousands of lives lost, or the pure chaos and devastation. (Those are all things to be remembered and the lives themselves deserve a whole post and more!)

But to me, it’s more than that. It’s a day I will always remember because on that day, I remember, as a third grade student, seeing a country unite around one thing. I saw a country that was united in grief. I saw a country who, even with all the different backgrounds and political agendas, was united for a moment as we grieved the loss of thousands of lives and an attack on our freedom. This is the day that made me love my country and love the people who fight for our country and my freedom. It was a day that made me really consider what freedom and being an American mean.

So today, twenty years later, I remember. I remember the lives that have been given up for my freedom. I remember the lives that were taken that terrible day. I remember the pain and the hurt we all felt that day and for years to come as we remember 9/11. I remember the unity we found as a country who grieved together. I remember that God is always in control. I remember that this is not how it’s supposed to be.

Today, I remember with hope.

I have hope in a God who is good, faithful, and true…

…in a God who always does what He says He will do…

...in a God who will return and make all things new.

I have hope.

This is a sure and steady hope… a steadfast hope. This is a hope in a God who is just, good, gracious, loving, compassionate, and more. This is hope in a God who is with us in our pain, sees us in our suffering and loss, fights for us and with us, and was also heartbroken over that tragic day.

So even though today, the twenty year mark to a day that changed our nation and our world, we might grieve and mourn over the loss that occurred, we can grieve with hope.

[4] He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Revelation 21:4 (ESV)

[13] But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. [14] For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. [15] For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. [16] For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. [17] Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. [18] Therefore encourage one another with these words. (ESV)

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

The Wilderness.

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There was a time in my life when I felt abandoned, forgotten, and invisible. It was a series of events which led me to this place. This place was lonely and desolate. It was a wilderness. I felt surrounded by lies, false realities, loneliness, and sadness. 

And yet, in this place I met Jesus.

This was the hardest and driest season of my life. BUT GOD. He was with me in my wilderness. And each day, I remember coming to him…

Weak.

Frail.

Hopeless.

Needy.

Hungry.

Alone. 

Sad.

I remember coming to him because in his presence was the only place I felt true peace. In his presence I felt like I could breath again. In his presence I could finally rest. 

And day by day, as I came to Jesus for renewal, for life, and for daily sustenance…

He restored my heart.

He lifted my head.

He strengthened my lungs.

He gave me purpose. 

And then, one day, through the encouragement of some co-workers, I felt the Lord say, “Daughter, I see you. I care for you. I love you.” 

And when someone says they see you, and they really do see you for all that you are, both good and bad, both beautiful and ugly, both success and failure… you believe them, and you trust that their love for you is real. 

So she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, “You are a God of seeing,” for she said, “Truly here I have seen him who looks after me.”

Genesis 16:13 (ESV)

That day, I felt the love of God pour out on me, giving me new strength to stand, and new joy to live into! I felt like I could finally breath again as the Lord picked me up out of my wilderness. 

And now, although I am fearful of going back into a time of wilderness, I know, without a doubt, that if that is where the Lord is, then that is where I want to go. Yes, even back into the hard, the lonely, the frail, the helpless…because I know that God will sustain me with everything I need.

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.

Isaiah 26:3-4 (ESV)

Today, maybe you need to be reminded of God’s presence, his care, his compassion. Maybe you need to hear, “I see you. I am with you.” And maybe you need to be reminded, as do I, that wherever the Lord is, that place is far better than any other place or situation void of him. 

So run to him. He will care for you and give you strength to stand and help you breath again. He is a good good Father, who deeply cares for his kids. I know this love, but do you? 

But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.

Psalm 86:15 (ESV)

2021 : Present

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My word for 2021 is PRESENT. Not like presents that you get on your birthday, although I do love those too. Present as in being in a particular place and taking time to stop and enjoy exactly where you are.

I think we have a really hard time being present in our world today. It’s far too easy to turn on the television instead of having conversations, or put in your headphones rather than take in the sounds around you. Our world today has a problem with being present.

Yet, I also think that Covid-19 taught us a lot about being present and learning how to be exactly where we are. We had no option in 2020 but to learn how to enjoy a simpler life with those we live with directly. A year of a pandemic allowed many to start new hobbies and learn how to put down the phone for a moment to check in with a friend or enjoy making dinner at home. In fact, I think many of us finally had “enough time” on social media that it actually caused boredom instead of distracting us.

As I look through God’s Word to see what it means to be present, it’s hard not to think of Jesus who is “God With Us.” The Father literally sent His only Son to come and dwell among us, to be present with us. Jesus came to live life among His creation and then to die for us so we could be present with Him forever.

Jesus took time to stop and have a conversation with a Samaritan woman in John 4. He stopped to care for and listen to the children who came up to him. He sat on the side of a mountain and taught the people for hours in Matthew 5-7. Jesus was present with His people, which reminds me of His personal care and intentional compassion.

As we enter into 2021, I desire to continue to be present with those around me. Jesus is the ultimate example of being present with people, and I want to look more like Him this year by being present with others. I know I won’t always get it right, but I want to spend time focusing on this word so I can demonstrate more of the personal love God has for each person I encounter. I want to be the first to put my phone away when others are in the room. I want to be quick to ask others how they are doing when I see them. I want to take time to stop and enjoy days without my phone as I sit and savor more of Jesus.

“God will give you a place to inhabit, which means that you get to become attentive to what is there where you are. This means that to dwell knowledgeably and hospitably in and toward the place God gives you us to glorify him. God will give you a few things that he intends for you to do in your inhabited place and with those people. To do what God gives you to do is to strengthen the common good and to glorify him.”

Zack Eswine, Sensing Jesus

So, what’s your word for 2021? And how can you continue to practice presence with others this year? I pray that if the Lord allows us to be with one another this year, that you will feel seen and loved by the Lord as I get to practice being present with others.

Where is the Lamb?

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The story of Abraham is a fascinating one found mostly in Genesis 12-22. These chapters tell of the beginnings of this key character in the Bible. But here’s a quick run down.

Abraham is married to a woman named Sarah, though at this point their names are actually Abram and Sarai, but that gets confusing. Anyways, they are married and they are about 75 years old. They have no children. But then, God shows up and promises Abraham that he will have a child! Through this child their family will grow so large that they will be a nation, and God will give them a land, and God will bless all the families of the earth through this family!

[1] Now the LORD said to Abram, “Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you. [2] And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing. [3] I will bless those who bless you, and him who dishonors you I will curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.”

Genesis 12:1-3 (ESV)

This promise is called the Abrahamic Covenant and it is a key detail in the storyline of the Bible! This is a promise, given by God, to Abraham and Sarah in their old age. So it seems like a ridiculous sort of promise. How will a couple at the age of 75 have a child?! We see God reaffirm this promise in Genesis 15 and make a true covenant with Abraham. God is telling Abraham to continue to trust Him, even though it seems like there is no hope.

Time continues to go on, and there is no child. Abraham and Sarah try to take things into their own hands around chapter 16, but this is not the promised child. God is holding fast to His promise, even as Abraham and Sarah reach 100 years old.

Then in chapter 21, God gives them a baby boy named Isaac. He is the fulfillment of this promise that God gave to them. This is their promised son! They see that God is faithful by doing exactly what He said He would do!

Now, this would be a great story if it ended here! An even better story if this was in fact the one we were told about back in Genesis 3:15 (the first covenant God makes with us). God promised that a savior would come and defeat sin and death, but is this the one they were waiting for?

Genesis 22 reveals something extreme. God tells Abraham to go and sacrifice his son, his only son. This is the son who was born in the promise, who fulfilled the words of God, who Abraham and Sarah waited for 25 years for in their old age to have! And now God is telling him to go sacrifice his son!? WHAT!?

Abraham is obedient so he does as God tells him. Abraham and Isaac make preparations and head up the mountain. Then Isaac, the only son of Abraham, asks an important question:

[7] And Isaac said to his father Abraham, “My father!” And he said, “Here I am, my son.” He said, “Behold, the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?”

Genesis 22:7 (ESV)

Isaac realizes they have everything they need except for the lamb. And at this point in the narrative of the Bible, I believe that we as readers should also be asking this same question: “Where is the lamb?”

God created the world good, but sin entered the world. Then God made a promise that a Savior would come and rescue us from Satan, sin, and death. This Savior would be the lamb of God who would take away the sins of the world! And yet, this is not him. He has not come yet. Has God forgotten His people? Has God forgotten His promises? Where is the lamb?

Now, if you have read the New Testament before, you know that the lamb is in fact Jesus. We know the end of the story because most of us have God’s Word sitting on our nightstand or on a shelf somewhere. And many know the end of this story with Abraham and Isaac as well. As soon as Abraham raises the knife to kill Isaac, God appears to him and tells him to stop. Then God provides a ram for the burnt offering, and Abraham and Isaac walk down the mountain together.

What’s significant about this story is that God has always kept His promises. God promised Abraham and Sarah that they would have a son, their family would be incredibly large, and through them, all the families of the earth would be blessed.

And each of these promises came true. Hundreds of years after Abraham and Sarah, in a small town in the Middle East, a baby was born. And this baby was named Jesus. He was in the family line of Abraham and eventually died on the cross as the lamb who would take away the sins of the world!

So this Christmas, will you celebrate Jesus as the fulfillment of every promise of God? Will you celebrate that the Lamb of God has come to take away the sins of the world? Will you celebrate that God is a faithful God who always keeps His promises? This is the true story of the world. We have a faithful God who loves us so much that He sent His only Son down to earth to live and dwell among us. And that Son’s name is Jesus, or Immanuel, which means God With Us. God came to dwell among us and then die for us so we could be with Him! I pray that you will rejoice in the gift of Jesus this season as you trust in our ever-faithful God!

Hope in the Darkness.

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Frozen 2 may be one of my all time favorite movies. Cinderella (the real-life version) and Princess Bride definitely make my top three, but I think Frozen 2 is in my top 10 at least!

One of my favorite aspects of this movie is when Anna is in the cave, all alone. (Spoiler alert! But honestly, if you haven’t seen it by now, then you kind of deserve for this to be spoiled for you.) Elsa just pushed her away, both literally and figuratively, and then she froze. This causes Olaf to also evaporate and it seems like there is no hope left for her. It seems as if both Elsa and Olaf, her two favorite people, are gone forever.

Then she sings a song. And this song is why I love this move so much. It’s one of the few times you truly see a Disney character mourn, and mourn well. She sings a song called, ‘The Next Right Thing” and if you haven’t heard it, stop and listen to it now.

Here are the first few lyrics. Read through these slowly if you can.

“I’ve seen dark before, but not like this
This is cold, this is empty, this is numb
The life I knew is over, the lights are out
Hello, darkness, I’m ready to succumb
I follow you around, I always have
But you’ve gone to a place I cannot find
This grief has a gravity, it pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on.”

The Next Right Thing, Frozen 2

You see, Anna felt like there was no more hope, like everything in her life was over. She talks about this empty, dark, lonely feeling that many of us have truly experienced. And for many of us, this year has felt like this song… dark, heavy, weighty, difficult, lonely. She talks about how grief and sadness are pulling her down, so much that it’s hard to go on.

And then she says these words: “Hope is gone.” That is a strong statement. And this is a statement that may seem true according to the world.

But you see, as Christians, hope is not gone. We have hope, even in the darkness.

The season of Advent is a season of celebrating the coming of Jesus. This coming is promised from as early as Genesis 3:15. We are told that a Savior will come who will conquer Satan, sin, and death forever!

I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and her offspring; he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel.

Genesis 3:15 (ESV)

But His coming didn’t happen for years and years and years.

God continued to give His people promises through people like Abraham, Moses, and David. These were promises that God had not forgotten His people and that He had a plan. Prophets reminded the people that Jesus was coming, yet the people continued to live in darkness. They turned to their own ways and ignored or forgot the sure promises of God.

Then, God was silent……….. for four hundred years. I would imagine they felt just like Anna did, without hope.

But then!!! God speaks. And He speaks by sending His very own Son, born as a human, in a small town in the Middle East. This Son’s name is Jesus and He is God with us. He is the fulfillment of every promise and prophecy spoken about from the beginning. He is the one who came to bring hope in the midst of darkness!

As you celebrate Advent this year with your friends and family, I pray that you will see that Jesus bring us hope even in the midst of darkness. Yes, there are hard things, difficulties, deaths, and times of hopelessness in our lives and in our world. We live in a really broken place full of disappointment and disaster. But, our hope is not gone. It has not left. And God has not forgotten His people.

Be reminded of that this season, and be filled with hope! Our God has come to dwell with us and redeem us from everything broken in our world. And one day, He will return to make everything right again and dwell with us forever! Look forward with HOPE this year, trusting in the sure promises of God!

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Revelation 21:3-4 (ESV)