I don’t really know how to begin a new blog post after the loss of Elias.
I can tell you that some days are easier than others. There are days when things seem normal, and I almost forget all that we have been through in the last month. And sometimes, it’s nice to be back to normal life… back to work, and friends, and laundry, and vacations. (Well, maybe not laundry…) But other times I feel extreme sorrow that life is back to normal. This wasn’t supposed to be what our life was like right now. Instead of going to a post-surgery follow up appointment, we should have been going in for a 16 week appointment. Instead of recovering from surgery, I was supposed to be recovering from 1st trimester fatigue. Instead of feeling sorrow, I was expecting to feel joy as I entered the best trimester of pregnancy. Instead of getting back into shape, I was supposed to be showing a small, cute little bump that let others know I was pregnant.
Some days are just really hard, and all I think about is all we have lost. I think about our baby and how much I want to hold him and be his mom. I think about the things we won’t get to experience with our baby — the milestones of pregnancy and the joys of childhood. And then I think about the day we were told our baby didn’t have a heartbeat, how he was already gone and there was nothing anyone could have done to save him. And I just weep.
I weep because I know this is not how it’s supposed to be. Death is not a friend. Death is an enemy.
I don’t know if you can get any closer to death than having literal death happen inside of you. I had the privilege of carrying Elias in my womb for 12 weeks and 5 days alive. I remember times by myself when I would talk to our baby, telling him things like, “You got this!” on our runs. (He was with me for over 250 miles!) Or in times when I was scared or uncertain or anxious, I would remind our baby that “It’s you and me, we are in this together.” And somehow, knowing my baby was with me gave me courage and strength. And in most conversations with friends, I knew I had a beautiful little secret growing in me and that gave me so much joy and delight each day. Our baby was a gift from God and I wanted to take care of this precious miracle!
But I also had the sorrow of carrying Elias for 2 days after he went to heaven. My womb quickly became his tomb as we deeply grieved the loss of our precious gift. Death is not a friend.
But death is part of our world and it has been for a long time. In the first few chapters of Genesis we learn that death comes as a result of sin (Genesis 2:17 & Romans 6:23). Death was not part of God’s good design. In fact, not only was death not part of the design but difficulties in pregnancy were not part of the design either (Genesis 3:16). The brokenness of our world is why we experience sorrow, pain, death, tears, and miscarriage. This is not how it was supposed to be.
In the New Testament, Jesus also talks about death and even confronts it multiple times. We read about Jesus raising a girl who was dead (Mark 5:21-43). We also read about Jesus weeping over the death of his friend (Lazarus) and then raising him back to life (John 11). The story of Lazarus in particular gives me deep comfort knowing that Jesus would be here weeping with us too… because death is not a friend.
But the wonderful thing about Jesus and death is that He is the one person who has actually defeated this enemy! Jesus is the promised Messiah who was spoken of starting in Genesis 3 when sin and death were introduced to the world. God promised that the Messiah would come, conquering Satan, sin, and death. And one day, Jesus did just that. He was sentenced to death on a cross, where He took the punishment for sin on Himself. Jesus had never sinned, and yet His death offered payment for our sin. His death offered us life!
For God loved the world in this way: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. — John 3:16
Jesus was in a tomb for 3 days. And on the third day, He rose again… defeating death! And now, anyone who trusts in Jesus alone will have eternal life. This is the beauty of the gospel, and this is why we still have hope despite the death of our baby.
Death is not a friend.But Jesus has defeated death for us!
And because of Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection, I have hope… true hope that one day, we will be with our baby again. But more importantly, that we will be with God for eternity!
As much pain as it is to experience the loss of a child, there is an infinite amount of joy knowing Who holds our baby right now. Elias is with Jesus! The first face he got to see was Jesus’ face. And I can’t imagine anything better for our baby than to be with Jesus.
My desire, amidst this loss, is that others would see the beauty of the gospel and the gift of Christ and run to Him in suffering, loss, and grief. If you have experienced miscarriage, I want you to know that there is true hope found in Jesus. Your baby is safe with Him right now and I want you to be with your baby one day in heaven. But more than that, I want you to be with God one day because He is the one who wipes away every tear, heals all the broken and sick things, and makes all things new. True hope is only found in Jesus.
Then I heard a loud voice from the throne: Look, God’s dwelling is with humanity, and he will live with them. They will be his peoples, and God himself will be with them and will be their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; grief, crying, and pain will be no more, because the previous things have passed away. — Revelation 21:3-4
And so today, I continue to declare that death is not a friend. But oh what a friend we have in Jesus: The One who died so we could live. The One who heals our brokenness. And the One who is coming again to make all things new. Praise be to God!
This is not the pregnancy announcement I had imagined.
I was 12 weeks pregnant and began experiencing complications that were unknown. I called the OB after hours line and they told me to come in the office first thing the next day. The nurses on the line didn’t seem overly concerned so Tyler decided to go to work the next day and my friend, Lindsay, would come with me to my appointment.
I had heard a lot of other women’s stories by the time I went in around noon — stories of women experiencing the same complications I was and their babies were fine. I was still concerned (I mean, I think every first time pregnant mom is concerned about everything) but I also had this odd peace that it really was going to be ok.
And it was! The nurse told me it was likely a blood clot behind the placenta and that was totally normal. It happens to 1 in 10 women and it will go away on it’s own in a few days. They did an ultrasound, found the baby and the heartbeat, and I got to see our baby wiggling and jumping and moving in me! And my best friend got to see the baby too! It was honestly so special for her to be there for this moment, and I was so relieved that the baby was safe. I immediately texted Tyler to tell him that everything was good and sent him the photo below (which would end up being the last photo of our baby).
The next day I would head back to the OB for my regular 12 week appointment. They were going to check on a few more things and run all of the normal 12 week blood tests. But I continued to experience the same complications through the night, and some of my symptoms began to change. All I had to go on was that the nurses said our baby was ok, so I was trusting that was still true. There was no way for me to know what was about to happen.
Tyler and I met at the OB office after his school day for our 12 week appointment. We spent time talking about the day and how I finally felt like I had some normal energy back…I even did 3 loads of laundry! We made plans for a date night after our appointment and planned on sharing our exciting news more broadly over the weekend.
Then we were called back to the ultrasound room. I was excited to see our baby again and for Tyler to get to see the baby wiggling and moving around like I had the day before. The nurse was having a hard time finding the baby so she switched to the vaginal ultrasound. We could see the screen the whole time. It looked different than the times before, but I wasn’t a nurse so I had no idea what type of images I was even looking at.
After about 2 minutes of the nurse looking and taking a few pictures and zooming in, she looked at us and said the most horrible and devastating words I have ever heard, “I’m so sorry. There is not a heartbeat.”
In that moment, my whole heart shattered into pieces. My body didn’t know what to do other than to cry and scream and mourn and ask “How did this happen? The baby was fine yesterday.” And then I cried more and more and more. Tyler was a rock in this moment and I can’t imagine being in that room without him. He just held me as I continued to ask “Why God? Why?” The nurse left us with a box of tissues and went to get the doctor so she could talk with us more.
It really didn’t feel like real life. There were moments when I was pregnant and had a hard time believing there really was a baby in me, but then I would feel nauseous or tired and know exactly why I felt that way. And if that wasn’t enough, we had a pregnancy test and ultrasounds to remind me that I was pregnant. But this was a whole new feeling, a feeling that I have never felt before and one that I hope no one ever has to experience. Going from extreme joy of becoming parents in November to extreme sorrow over never having met our child is a grief that I truly cannot explain.
The doctor came in, confirmed that not only was there no heartbeat but the water around the baby was gone. I still don’t know exactly when or how that happened. We walked to another room and the doctor let us process for another 15 minutes or so alone. All I could think of was how we were going to have to tell our sweet family about their grandchild, nephew, and cousin. That felt like the hardest thing I would ever do in my life.
And yet, in our darkest moment ever, the Lord was present. My first reaction was to cry and scream, but my first thought was “God gives and takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.” The Lord had given us this child. We had called this child a little miracle from the moment we found out. And the Lord was the only one who could have saved our child. There was nothing I could have done. And there was nothing the doctors could have done, even if it would have happened while I was there the day before. They don’t know why this happened, and honestly know very little about why miscarriages happen in general. They just know miscarriages happen, even at 12 weeks. Our doctor reminded me that likely this would have been a very unhealthy pregnancy and so it is good that this happened when it did. That doesn’t make it easier, but that is likely true and I am so glad that our baby never had to experience the pain on this earth that we are having to experience now.
I was never angry with God. Neither was Tyler. I was so proud of us in that moment that neither of us were instantly against God or frustrated with Him for taking our baby. Instead, we both experienced this deep deep trust. We knew that God was in control. We knew that God knew what was best. We knew that God loved us. We knew God was not surprised by this event. From the moment of conception, He knew this would be our story and our baby’s story. And He allowed it to happen.
Consider it a great joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you experience various trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. — James 1:2-4 (CSB)
An Aside: I often experience the Lord in visions and pictures. A few months back (before we were pregnant) I was given an image of me and Tyler with Jesus. We were walking through a field, headed towards the mountains, but it was raining. And there was this feeling that it would be raining for a while. If you have ever been camping or hiking in the rain, you know that it really is a drag to be out there in the rain. It is tougher than it seems because there is just no shelter in the wilderness from the rain. A month or so after this vision, we got pregnant! I thought that maybe for the first time this image was wrong. It didn’t feel like rain, it felt like warmth and light and joy! There was new life coming to our family! In reality, God was preparing us for this from the very beginning. And I really can’t explain it other than God. This image doesn’t make the pain go away or the grief any easier, but it does help me remember that God is always and has always and will always be with us… through every single storm.
The doctor scheduled me for a D&C surgery on Monday (it was Friday). That felt like a long time away, but it was the soonest they could get me in with their surgery team. We spent another few minutes in that room, praying and crying out to God. We knew that He was our only refuge, our only hope, and that our baby was already with Him in heaven. Our baby was safe with Jesus.
I texted my two best friends on the drive home and told them the news. They came over immediately with flowers and hugs and prayers. They were in shock as we were but they were ready to help us. The thing I dreaded was telling everyone the news. I made a list of people who knew I was pregnant on my phone and asked if they could start sharing with these people so we could call our families. Those were the hardest calls we have ever had to make. Telling your parents that their grandchild is with Jesus is something that I hope I never have to do again.
We were immediately surrounded with texts and prayers and visitors and food. It really was overwhelming the amount of love and care we felt that day… and honestly every day since. Our friends set up a meal train for us so we could have space to grieve and process and pray and cry and rest. And people started showing up at our home to give us a hug or drop off a gift.
The next few days were just as hard. Going to sleep and waking up each morning to the same reality is tough. I wanted to wake up and for this to all be a dream, but it wasn’t. Tears continued to flow throughout the day as more people learned of our loss. I wasn’t experiencing the same level of complications but they were still happening. I made it through Saturday and then on Sunday morning at 12:30am I began cramping again and immediately knew we had to go to the ER.
Once they started an IV and pain meds, things got better on my end. I was able to relax a little knowing that the doctors and nurses were there to help me. The nurses were some of the most kind and compassionate people I think I have ever met. Many of them were sympathetic towards us saying things like, “I’m so sorry you are experiencing this” or “I have been through this too, and I am so sorry.” They were helpful and kind, and it was truly a gift from the Lord.
I was rolled into an ultrasound room so they could see more of what was going on. Again, the nurse was incredible — so kind and helpful and patient with me. She spent a while doing another ultrasound and taking a lot of pictures. I went back to my room and soon the nurses came in to tell me that they hadn’t found any signs of the baby in me. All they could find was tissue from the placenta.
I would be asked about 5 times from this moment on if I had seen the baby or felt the baby come out of me in the previous days. This was honestly my worst nightmare — I didn’t want to see our baby. And although there was one moment on Saturday when it could have been the baby, I still don’t believe what I felt was big enough for a 12 week pregnancy. Because of this, we are choosing to believe that God did a miracle in me. I believe that God took our baby out of me miraculously because He knew that I couldn’t handle more trauma. This is hard to swallow because it means we can’t do chromosome testing to understand what happened and we won’t ever know what gender our baby was. But I still believe it was better this way and that God was saving me from even more heartache.
The night before, I had told Tyler that I thought of a few other names to consider. We had names picked out for our baby already, but now we wanted a special name. We had a girl name picked but honestly, it just didn’t feel quite right. I had decided to start writing down boys names on Saturday night and shared those with Tyler. When we learned that the baby was already gone, we knew the name would be Elias which means “my God is Yahweh.” In the ER we would name our baby in hopes that his story would bring more people (maybe even just one person) to know that there is one true God and His name is Yahweh.
An Aside: Yahweh is the name of God that is first mentioned in Exodus. It’s the name the Israelites would use for God as they experienced incredible amounts of pain, loss, trials, and wilderness. Yahweh is the name of God that reminds us that God always has been and always will be — He is the God who is, and was, and is forever! THIS is the God we trust in. THIS is the God who holds our baby. THIS is the God who was holding us.
When the surgeon arrived around 5am, he was also so incredibly kind and helpful. He explained what was going to happen and how the nurses had already done a lot of his work. (They had done some pre D&C work while I was awake in the ER, which was it’s own kind of pain but again, the nurses never left my side and neither did my husband.) My body had done a lot of the work on it’s own so my D&C was going to be quick and easy since he was simply going to clear out the remaining placenta tissue.
This was the first major surgery I would have with full anesthesia. I was nervous but also ready to be past this part of our story. The surgery was quick and then I was awake again a few hours later. The first thing the nurse said to me was, “Are you a runner?” She had been watching my resting heart rate and noticing it was really low… the immediate tell of an endurance athlete right there. haha! But it was nice to talk about something I loved for a few minutes as I continued to wake up. Soon Tyler would be with me and we would head home.
My physical recovery has been really simple and easy. I’m back to running (very slowly and low miles…don’t worry mom) and have felt good. The emotional recovery is what is going to take a long time for me. There are moments when I feel like I can make it through anything and moments when I feel so fragile. I have a feeling this is going to be a norm for me for a while as I ride the waves of grief.
Through it all, it has helped me to talk about my experience and our baby Elias. It helps me to have times of grieving with others and times alone to process. It helps me to share what has happened and to hear other people’s stories. The more I have shared, the more women have told me, “I’m so sorry…. me too.” And each time I hear that, my heart breaks for them. This is a new level of pain that I have never experienced and knowing that so many friends have experienced this too is simply heartbreaking. This is not how it’s supposed to be. Death is not a friend. All of them have healthy children now, which is encouraging to me. And yet, I fear that this may not be our story. Since we cannot do any testing on our baby, we don’t know what happened and we can’t really know if this will happen again.
If you see us or think of us in the coming days, weeks, months… even years… here is our prayer request: Pray that we would grieve the loss of Elias, but not without hope. Pray that we would be able to have a healthy baby in the future. Pray that we would not be afraid of the unknown but rather would trust God with the unknown. And pray that Elias’ story would bring even just one person to saving faith in Jesus.
If you have made it this far, thank you for reading our story. And to our incredible friends and family — both near and far — thank you. You have been a safe place for us, an encouragement in the darkest days, and a steady presence in the waves of grief. There are not enough words to express our gratitude.
One Last Note: Our baby Elias is safe with Jesus now. We have full confidence that he is in heaven with Jesus right now and one day, we will get to meet our boy. We have gratitude that our Elias didn’t experience the pains of this world as we have. And we have hope that one day, Jesus will return, making all things new. He will wipe away every tear from our faces because death will be no more. Death is an enemy. And yet, we do not grieve and mourn and cry without hope. Our hope is secure in our Savior — who experienced pain and death on our behalf so that one day we can experience the fullness of joy with Him!
Matthew 19:14 has been our verse in these days as we have been reminded that the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to the children. The Kingdom of Heaven belongs to children like Elias.
Jesus said, “Leave the little children alone, and don’t try to keep them from coming to me, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” — Matthew 19:14 (CSB)
We will always miss our baby. Grief will hit at random times and I will choose to ride the waves as they come. We know our family and friends will miss our baby too. But we will always be the parents of Elias, and a little family of three. In every moment, we choose to continue to proclaim the name of the Lord… Yahweh is our God.
These are the verses I have clung to the most tightly. I pray they might encourage you if you have experienced the loss of a child, or that you might use these to encourage a friend who goes through this experience.
Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near the brokenhearted; he saves those crushed in spirit.
Revelation 21:4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; grief, crying, and pain will be no more, because the previous things have passed away.
Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble.
Psalm 48:14 This God, our God forever and ever —he will always lead us.
Psalm 119:28 I am weary from grief; strengthen me through your word.
Isaiah 26:3-4 You will keep the mind that is dependent on you in perfect peace, for it is trusting in you. Trust in the Lord forever, because in the Lord, the Lord himself, is an everlasting rock!
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.
Job 1:21b The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Isaiah 25:8a When he has swallowed up death once and for all, the Lord God will wipe away the tears from every face.
Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, “Leave the little children alone, and don’t try to keep them from coming to me, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
A liturgy for those who have experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth. This is one of the most beautiful things I have read in our dark days, and it has been a helpful way to put our feelings into words. Here is the link.
There are a lot of great resources and books out there on Evangelism. But recently, I was incredibly encouraged reading the book Tactics by Greg Koukl. This is a resource every Christian should read, and I pray they are encouraged by the simplicity of sharing the gospel with others.
What I particularly enjoyed about this book was the way Koukl talked about sharing the gospel. Very quickly, he removed the pressure of sharing the gospel yet made a compelling argument to simply “put a rock in someone’s shoe.” The premise of his tactic in sharing the gospel is simply to ask good questions and get people thinking more deeply about spiritual things than they have previously.
“When I talk with people about spiritual matters, I’m not looking to close the deal with them. I’m just looking to do a little gardening in their lives. That’s all. I want to get them thinking. If I can do that, then I’m satisfied, since I know they are ultimately in God’s hands.”
Koukl, Loc 211
It can be easy to quickly get overwhelmed with the idea of sharing the gospel, especially if you have never done this before. Maybe you have been following Jesus for a while and yet you have not shared the gospel before. Maybe there is some fear you are holding on to that is preventing you from sharing with your family or co-workers or friends. That is normal but it is also a scheme of the enemy. What I love about this book is the encouragement that Koukl gives to believers to simply have a conversation. He reminds Christians that “if anyone in the discussion gets mad, you lose” (Loc 461). His goal is never to “win someone to Christ” but rather to engage in conversation.
Koukl also gives a few really simple and basic questions for Christians to ask when they are talking to others about the claims of Christ or the beliefs of Christians. Questions are a really valuable tool to use because they provide extra time and clarity in your conversation. One great question to ask is, “What do you mean by that?” This allows the other person to provide clarity in their argument and helps you understand where they are coming from. The second is, “How did you come to that conclusion?” This will help you understand why they believe what they believe and allows them to evaluate this as well.
It is clear that Koukl has a lot of wisdom and knowledge in how to have helpful discussions with non-believers and he offers a myriad of questions and tactics to practice as you share the gospel. I have tried to highlight a few of my key takeaways from this book here, but again, I highly recommend this book to all believers. I think you will be pleasantly surprised by the simplicity of his tactics, the ease of sharing, and the overall tone of his book. And I pray that this book encourages you to step out and share the gospel, not from a place of shame or disappointment for not doing this in the past, but rather from a heart of excitement and eagerness for others to truly hear about the grace and love of Jesus! “At the end of the day, a person’s deep-seated rebellion against God is a problem only a supernatural solution can fix” (Loc 3114).
I am now 29 years old and have been working with middle and high school students in a discipleship environment since I was a teenager. I remember being one of the few high school students in our small youth group growing up, which meant I was also a leader for our middle school groups. I remember having bible studies with neighbors and leading our middle school group when I was just a junior in high school, never imaging that God would allow me to be paid to disciple students, teach the Bible, and walk with parents through these crazy teenage years.
Over these years, I have met with dozens of girls for discipleship and I have seen them all come from a variety of places in life. I have also had the privilege of getting to know them and their families so well that I call them my little sisters. These girls are an inspiration to me because of the faith they have in Christ and the desires they have to live out the gospel in this crazy world.
This new series is written for all the “little sisters” out there who need some encouragement and guidance in this world. I may not know you personally, but if you are a follower of Jesus and desire to seek him with all your heart, then this series is for you.
My hope is that this series will talk about things that are relevant to the teenager of today, begin conversations at home and with friends, and encourage the sisters we have in the next generation to live counter-cultural. This world is really hard, and life can throw a lot of things at you. But lil sis, I believe in you. And I believe that you can stand up for God in a world that seems to hate him and ignore him. I believe that you are part of the generation that will have an incredible impact on history. And I believe that God made you for a purpose to represent and reflect him in all you do.
Prayer: God, you are good, wise, and loving. You know the state of this world. You know what the next generation of leaders needs. You know how difficult it is to follow you in this world. I pray that you would send your Spirit to guide, teach, and encourage all of the young girls out there who need to hear a bit of truth in a world of lies. Go before them, and make them a generation of courage! We love you and trust you! Amen.
Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.
One day, Jesus had just finished teaching and healing a lot of people. A man with a skin disease (called a leper) came up to him and said, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me well.” Jesus looked at the man and told him he was willing. Then, Jesus did something amazing. He touched the man and the man was clean! His disease was gone and he was healed! (This story is taken from Matthew 8:1-11.)
As I studied this story this week, I looked more into lepers and their place in society. I knew they were considered “unclean” and “untouchable” since their disease could be spread easily. I knew they lived outside of the city in communities with other lepers. And I knew they often didn’t have any human touch. But the thing I discovered this week was that there was a law that said lepers had to stay at least 6 feet away from other people! SIX FEET!
Now, if you are reading this in the Covid-19 season, you see the significance of this. Right now, most places require a 6 foot distance between you and another person not in your household. Apparently there is something to the whole 6-foot rule after all! 😉
Reading this during the pandemic has given me a new perspective on this story. It is so significant that Jesus reaches out and touches the man. He goes against what the law said. He goes against what society said was good and right. He goes against what those around him said was appropriate.
And Jesus touches the man. He touches someone who has probably not had human contact in years. He puts himself in a vulnerable place. This is significant.
During this pandemic, we are asked to stay six-feet away from others and wear masks in most public places. These are laws that have been put in action to keep people safe and reduce the load the health care system is caring right now. I know these are not my favorite or your favorite rules, but if they help make others who are immune compromised feel safe, I will continue to do this when around them. But, this is not meant to be a post about masks, or no masks, or the division masks have created in our society.
Instead, this is a post simply noting that ways Jesus interacted with others. He leaned in. He stepped in. He stood in the gap. He put himself in a vulnerable place by touching someone with an infectious disease.
So I ask you to consider, who around you do you need to lean into? Where can you stand in the gap? How can you go the extra mile and love someone well?
In this pandemic, maybe that means giving a hug to a single person who is living alone and doesn’t have much human contact right now. Maybe that means spending extra time on phone calls with friends and family who are spending time by themselves. Maybe it means checking in on people more frequently, or inviting neighbors into your home. Maybe it simply means saying hello to people at the grocery store or a restaurant, even if the whole mask thing is hard and feels restricting. As Christians, we can continue to be people who love well in this season, masks or no masks. The commands of Jesus are the same: to love Him and love others. And I can tell you, as a single person, that touch is significant and I have loved getting hugs from friends and family! Even for those who don’t “love” hugs, right now, I bet that most people you know would love another hug. 2020 has been a hard year for everyone.
God created us for community… community with Him and community with one another. We do not need to let this season create further distance and isolation between us. We need to see those who are prone to isolation and lean in. We need to reach out and touch them, reminding them that there is hope.
This pandemic will not last forever, and this pandemic was not a surprise to God. He is fully aware of our lives right now, and how they were different 9 months ago, and what they will be like 9 months from now. In every season, we can have trust that God is in control. We have hope that goes beyond this broken world, and this is the season the world needs to hear of this hope.
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.
Gentle and Lowly:The Heart of Christ for Sinners and Sufferers by Dane Ortlund may have become one of my favorite books over the last few weeks.
This is a book that, as the title suggests, tells about the heart of Jesus. Dane is pastoral in his writing and there is a tenderness about this book. He relies heavily on two key theologians: Thomas Goodwin and John Owen (with some John Bunyan and C.S. Lewis sprinkled throughout). The works of these two men in particular are works that I was not completely familiar with prior to this book. After reading this book, I feel like I understand the writings of both Goodwin and Owen with much more clarity, though I still have not directly read their works.
When I describe this book to others, I typically say that it’s a book about the attributes of Christ. Yes, the attributes of Christ are the same as those of God because Jesus is God, yet this book reveals a lot about Jesus’ humanity and God’s true heart towards us. As I read this book, I felt my soul become lighter, unraveled, and more at peace. I didn’t feel like I was being condemned or shamed by God, but rather, like I was being invited to simply sit and rest, as He healed the brokenness of my soul and my misunderstanding of who He truly is.
This book reminded me over and over again that God does not look on us with disappointment and frustration. He does not shame us or push us aside. He does not remove His love from us despite our sin. I was reminded that our very sin is what God draws near to. He sees us and cares for us in the very lowest of lows.
One of my favorite lines in this book is a quote from Goodwin. He says, “O therefore come in unto him. If you knew his heart, you would.” How beautiful and secure is that promise. If we truly knew the heart of the one who gave up everything for us, we would not hesitate to run to Him, even in (and especially in) our sins and failures.
Overall, this is a book I would HIGHLY recommend. But please, do not rush through this book, flipping page after page just to get through it and on to the next one. Sit in this book for a while. Let the words of Christ marinate in your heart and wash over your soul like a refreshing drink of water. Let Christ invite you into truly see His heart for you. For He is gentle and lowly, and His arms are open wide for you.
Morgan Jager 