suffering

Death is Not a Friend.

Morgan JagerLeave a comment

I don’t really know how to begin a new blog post after the loss of Elias.

I can tell you that some days are easier than others. There are days when things seem normal, and I almost forget all that we have been through in the last month. And sometimes, it’s nice to be back to normal life… back to work, and friends, and laundry, and vacations. (Well, maybe not laundry…) But other times I feel extreme sorrow that life is back to normal. This wasn’t supposed to be what our life was like right now. Instead of going to a post-surgery follow up appointment, we should have been going in for a 16 week appointment. Instead of recovering from surgery, I was supposed to be recovering from 1st trimester fatigue. Instead of feeling sorrow, I was expecting to feel joy as I entered the best trimester of pregnancy. Instead of getting back into shape, I was supposed to be showing a small, cute little bump that let others know I was pregnant.

Some days are just really hard, and all I think about is all we have lost. I think about our baby and how much I want to hold him and be his mom. I think about the things we won’t get to experience with our baby — the milestones of pregnancy and the joys of childhood. And then I think about the day we were told our baby didn’t have a heartbeat, how he was already gone and there was nothing anyone could have done to save him. And I just weep.

I weep because I know this is not how it’s supposed to be. Death is not a friend. Death is an enemy.

I don’t know if you can get any closer to death than having literal death happen inside of you. I had the privilege of carrying Elias in my womb for 12 weeks and 5 days alive. I remember times by myself when I would talk to our baby, telling him things like, “You got this!” on our runs. (He was with me for over 250 miles!) Or in times when I was scared or uncertain or anxious, I would remind our baby that “It’s you and me, we are in this together.” And somehow, knowing my baby was with me gave me courage and strength. And in most conversations with friends, I knew I had a beautiful little secret growing in me and that gave me so much joy and delight each day. Our baby was a gift from God and I wanted to take care of this precious miracle!

But I also had the sorrow of carrying Elias for 2 days after he went to heaven. My womb quickly became his tomb as we deeply grieved the loss of our precious gift. Death is not a friend.

But death is part of our world and it has been for a long time. In the first few chapters of Genesis we learn that death comes as a result of sin (Genesis 2:17 & Romans 6:23). Death was not part of God’s good design. In fact, not only was death not part of the design but difficulties in pregnancy were not part of the design either (Genesis 3:16). The brokenness of our world is why we experience sorrow, pain, death, tears, and miscarriage. This is not how it was supposed to be.

In the New Testament, Jesus also talks about death and even confronts it multiple times. We read about Jesus raising a girl who was dead (Mark 5:21-43). We also read about Jesus weeping over the death of his friend (Lazarus) and then raising him back to life (John 11). The story of Lazarus in particular gives me deep comfort knowing that Jesus would be here weeping with us too… because death is not a friend.

But the wonderful thing about Jesus and death is that He is the one person who has actually defeated this enemy! Jesus is the promised Messiah who was spoken of starting in Genesis 3 when sin and death were introduced to the world. God promised that the Messiah would come, conquering Satan, sin, and death. And one day, Jesus did just that. He was sentenced to death on a cross, where He took the punishment for sin on Himself. Jesus had never sinned, and yet His death offered payment for our sin. His death offered us life!

For God loved the world in this way: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. — John 3:16

Jesus was in a tomb for 3 days. And on the third day, He rose again… defeating death! And now, anyone who trusts in Jesus alone will have eternal life. This is the beauty of the gospel, and this is why we still have hope despite the death of our baby.

Death is not a friend. But Jesus has defeated death for us!

And because of Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection, I have hope… true hope that one day, we will be with our baby again. But more importantly, that we will be with God for eternity!

As much pain as it is to experience the loss of a child, there is an infinite amount of joy knowing Who holds our baby right now. Elias is with Jesus! The first face he got to see was Jesus’ face. And I can’t imagine anything better for our baby than to be with Jesus.

My desire, amidst this loss, is that others would see the beauty of the gospel and the gift of Christ and run to Him in suffering, loss, and grief. If you have experienced miscarriage, I want you to know that there is true hope found in Jesus. Your baby is safe with Him right now and I want you to be with your baby one day in heaven. But more than that, I want you to be with God one day because He is the one who wipes away every tear, heals all the broken and sick things, and makes all things new. True hope is only found in Jesus.

Then I heard a loud voice from the throne: Look, God’s dwelling is with humanity, and he will live with them. They will be his peoples, and God himself will be with them and will be their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; grief, crying, and pain will be no more, because the previous things have passed away. — Revelation 21:3-4

And so today, I continue to declare that death is not a friend. But oh what a friend we have in Jesus: The One who died so we could live. The One who heals our brokenness. And the One who is coming again to make all things new. Praise be to God!

Aspen Trees.

Morgan Jager3 Comments

A new habit I want to start with Sabbath-keeping is spending an hour or so just being fascinated with something that God created. I love learning about new things and how they work. I decided that Aspen trees would be my first hour long fascination, and here’s what I learned.

Aspens grow primarily in North America. In fact, they are the most widespread tree in all of North America! They grow in a variety of types of soils and are highly intolerant of shade. They must have sunlight. The Aspen tree is an aggressive, pioneer species. That means that they take over spaces easily and grow fairly quickly. Their bark is lightweight and doesn’t splinter, and they are not as flammable as most other species of trees.

The Aspen leaves are beautiful. Seriously, take some time to look at the leaves next time you see as Aspen tree. They have flattened stems that allow the leaves to “quake” or “shake” (which is why Aspens are often called “Quaking Aspens”). This also allows the trees to receive the maximum amount of sunlight since they can rotate easily in the wind.

And if you haven’t seen Aspen trees in the fall, you are wrong. The color of the leaves will blow you away. Seriously. Buy a ticket to Colorado for the fall and experience the most beautiful colors ever.

The Aspen is also the world’s largest living organism. This is because of how they reproduce. The Aspen can reproduce like other plants with a seed that is planted in the soil, but most Aspen seeds don’t survive well that way. The majority of Aspen trees that you see in one area are all connected. In fact, they are typically clones of the same tree with an identical genetic makeup! The Aspen tree sends its roots out really broadly, and smaller shoots pop up from the root system and into the sunlight, making a new tree.

I found the information above about the ways they are all connected very interesting. But since I grew up in Colorado and learned about Aspens as a child, I was familiar with this concept.

Yet, the idea that really caught my attention was the way Aspen trees interact with fire. Fire is actually a necessary ingredient for the well being of Aspen tree forests. Think back to the root system I described. If their roots are far reaching and deep enough, the fire will not truly burn down the entire forest, just what’s on the surface. Fires clear out other invading species that are fighting to take the sunlight and soil the Aspen trees need. Once the fire is out, all that is left is a perfectly cleared out forest with tons of underground Aspen roots ready to pop out of the ground and start growing freely without competition from other trees! They instantly have a ton of sunlight and lots of space to grow due to the impact of the fire.

So what does all of this have to do with life? How does this change my view of God and my understanding of the world?

Often we associate fire with suffering, hardship, grief, and lament. Fire seems to be something that is uncontrollable, harmful, powerful, and often, deadly. In life when it feels like we are going through a fire, life typically feels hard, heavy, and defeating.

When I think about how Aspen trees need fire to continue to thrive, I think about how suffering is part of the human experience. Suffering, hardship, grief, loss…these are all things that every human on earth experiences at various times in life. These seasons are extremely difficult, and in some cases, they feel like death. Yet, in every case of suffering, the individual comes out stronger in one way or another.

Suffering is a necessary ingredient of the human experience. Suffering reminds us that we are finite, frail and fragile beings. God created humans in the beginning without suffering. Yet, because of sin, we all experience suffering in various ways, at various degrees, and at various times. And it is necessary. God uses suffering to remind us that this is not how the world is supposed to be. He uses suffering to point us back to Himself, because He is the one that is unchanging, always remains faithful, and is with us even in suffering.

So if you find yourself in a season of suffering right now, I pray that you are reminded of the goodness of God in it all. He sees you. He cares for you. And even if it feels like there is a fire on the surface of your life, look back to the deep roots of your soul and know that God has not abandoned you. He uses suffering in uncountable ways, often in ways we do not understand.

These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

1 Peter 1:7