I don’t really know how to begin a new blog post after the loss of Elias.

I can tell you that some days are easier than others. There are days when things seem normal, and I almost forget all that we have been through in the last month. And sometimes, it’s nice to be back to normal life… back to work, and friends, and laundry, and vacations. (Well, maybe not laundry…) But other times I feel extreme sorrow that life is back to normal. This wasn’t supposed to be what our life was like right now. Instead of going to a post-surgery follow up appointment, we should have been going in for a 16 week appointment. Instead of recovering from surgery, I was supposed to be recovering from 1st trimester fatigue. Instead of feeling sorrow, I was expecting to feel joy as I entered the best trimester of pregnancy. Instead of getting back into shape, I was supposed to be showing a small, cute little bump that let others know I was pregnant.

Some days are just really hard, and all I think about is all we have lost. I think about our baby and how much I want to hold him and be his mom. I think about the things we won’t get to experience with our baby — the milestones of pregnancy and the joys of childhood. And then I think about the day we were told our baby didn’t have a heartbeat, how he was already gone and there was nothing anyone could have done to save him. And I just weep.

I weep because I know this is not how it’s supposed to be. Death is not a friend. Death is an enemy.

I don’t know if you can get any closer to death than having literal death happen inside of you. I had the privilege of carrying Elias in my womb for 12 weeks and 5 days alive. I remember times by myself when I would talk to our baby, telling him things like, “You got this!” on our runs. (He was with me for over 250 miles!) Or in times when I was scared or uncertain or anxious, I would remind our baby that “It’s you and me, we are in this together.” And somehow, knowing my baby was with me gave me courage and strength. And in most conversations with friends, I knew I had a beautiful little secret growing in me and that gave me so much joy and delight each day. Our baby was a gift from God and I wanted to take care of this precious miracle!

But I also had the sorrow of carrying Elias for 2 days after he went to heaven. My womb quickly became his tomb as we deeply grieved the loss of our precious gift. Death is not a friend.

But death is part of our world and it has been for a long time. In the first few chapters of Genesis we learn that death comes as a result of sin (Genesis 2:17 & Romans 6:23). Death was not part of God’s good design. In fact, not only was death not part of the design but difficulties in pregnancy were not part of the design either (Genesis 3:16). The brokenness of our world is why we experience sorrow, pain, death, tears, and miscarriage. This is not how it was supposed to be.

In the New Testament, Jesus also talks about death and even confronts it multiple times. We read about Jesus raising a girl who was dead (Mark 5:21-43). We also read about Jesus weeping over the death of his friend (Lazarus) and then raising him back to life (John 11). The story of Lazarus in particular gives me deep comfort knowing that Jesus would be here weeping with us too… because death is not a friend.

But the wonderful thing about Jesus and death is that He is the one person who has actually defeated this enemy! Jesus is the promised Messiah who was spoken of starting in Genesis 3 when sin and death were introduced to the world. God promised that the Messiah would come, conquering Satan, sin, and death. And one day, Jesus did just that. He was sentenced to death on a cross, where He took the punishment for sin on Himself. Jesus had never sinned, and yet His death offered payment for our sin. His death offered us life!

For God loved the world in this way: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. — John 3:16

Jesus was in a tomb for 3 days. And on the third day, He rose again… defeating death! And now, anyone who trusts in Jesus alone will have eternal life. This is the beauty of the gospel, and this is why we still have hope despite the death of our baby.

Death is not a friend. But Jesus has defeated death for us!

And because of Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection, I have hope… true hope that one day, we will be with our baby again. But more importantly, that we will be with God for eternity!

As much pain as it is to experience the loss of a child, there is an infinite amount of joy knowing Who holds our baby right now. Elias is with Jesus! The first face he got to see was Jesus’ face. And I can’t imagine anything better for our baby than to be with Jesus.

My desire, amidst this loss, is that others would see the beauty of the gospel and the gift of Christ and run to Him in suffering, loss, and grief. If you have experienced miscarriage, I want you to know that there is true hope found in Jesus. Your baby is safe with Him right now and I want you to be with your baby one day in heaven. But more than that, I want you to be with God one day because He is the one who wipes away every tear, heals all the broken and sick things, and makes all things new. True hope is only found in Jesus.

Then I heard a loud voice from the throne: Look, God’s dwelling is with humanity, and he will live with them. They will be his peoples, and God himself will be with them and will be their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; grief, crying, and pain will be no more, because the previous things have passed away. — Revelation 21:3-4

And so today, I continue to declare that death is not a friend. But oh what a friend we have in Jesus: The One who died so we could live. The One who heals our brokenness. And the One who is coming again to make all things new. Praise be to God!